High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize