I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
