Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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