can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
