sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
