John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
