I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
