You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
