When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
