I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
