my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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