I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
