I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
