Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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