i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
