You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
