No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
