We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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