He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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