My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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