Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
