I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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