i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
