Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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