I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
