Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
