Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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