im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
