Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
