Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
