Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The air was thick with penises
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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