i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
