I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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