it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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