I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
