Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
