So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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