the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
