After last night, I could never be a politician.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
