I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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