You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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