My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
