my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
false alarm. still invincible.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
