If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
