the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
