I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
