The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize