When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
