I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
