So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
