my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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