You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
