with your own penis?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
