Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
