Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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