Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
